We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize