ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
