If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
