he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
