so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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