So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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