Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize