i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Is Oprah even human
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
