my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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