I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Randomize
