Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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