The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
