its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We just shotgunned beers for America
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize