I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I see more hoeing in ur future
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize