I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
