I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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