he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
