i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
