In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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