party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
