my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
