I think my fart just growled at me.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
