Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
