my phone needs a breathalizer
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
