Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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