im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
