So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize