I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
