I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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