apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize