Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
