I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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