i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
