Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
