I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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