Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
