I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize