Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
