if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
