i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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