Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
