Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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