As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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