but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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