Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
