My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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