im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
