i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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