Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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