my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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