when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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