White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize