My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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