I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
