I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
