Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
