I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
