Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize