Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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