I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
