I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
