I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
