My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
