Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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