she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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